Blizzardboy | A Kiwi in Japan

The dust has almost settled on another election victory for one of Japan’s leading political parties. Gaining a few percentage points over the previous election results, a party spokesperson said that this result vindicated their recent middle of the road approach to the various economic and foreign relation problems being faced by the east Asian archipelago.

The Prime Minister, keen to extend his short reign of power, appeared before reporters at the official residence in Tamieke-sanno dressed in an elegantly cut dark suit with a crisp white shirt and a confidently understated tie. He calmly answered a number of questions on various topics. When asked about what his government intended to do about Japan’s current economic malaise, he stated, “We will continue to develop measures to remedy that issue.” On the ongoing issue of Japanese – American relations, he was quoted as saying, “America remains Japan’s most important ally and we look forward to continuing and developing that relationship.”

No news has as yet been forthcoming regarding a possible cabinet reshuffle, however there has been some speculation that some senior members of the previous cabinet will have their portfolio’s reshuffled to make way for new blood from the back benches.

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In breaking news, current Japanese Prime Minister has announced his retirement. His outstanding service in the field of excellence has not gone unnoticed, and he has been offered several posts. Sources at the Japanese magazine Mens Joudan are reported as saying that following re-constructive surgery and a sex change he will take up a position, or several positions as shown in these exclusive promotion shots of the former big man.

We wish him all the best in his newly chosen occupation.

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Congratulations to John McCain on his victory in the 2008 United States Presidential election!

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

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Upstairsforthinking has a thought provoking article – The Fall Guy – on the resignation of Japanese Prime Minister Abe Shinzo. The following is a tongue in cheek response from our political correspondent Argumentum ad hominem who is based in the tropical Japanese island of Hokkaido.

With the current crop of Japanese politicians as thin on talent as they are on hair under the wigs, we thought it time to put forward our suggestions for the 6 best candidates for the much maligned and soon to be vacated post of Japanese Prime Minister.

1. Asashoryu: Currently in disgrace for playing soccer whilst being under an injury cloud that kept him out of the summer tour of Tohoku and Hokkaido , Mongolian sumo wrestler Akinori Asashoryu is our first candidate. Ability to deal with ritualised body slapping, salt throwing and hefty bulk should see him in good stead to lead the country. Presently in retreat at a Mongolian resort, Asashoryu may be plotting a return completely out of left field, or should we say east of center. His sumo hairstyle could become his secret trademark which drives his popularity much in the same way that former Prime Minister Koizumi kept opponents at bay with a shake of his quiff.

2. Jack Bauer: Television series 24’s  hero Jack Bauer (ostensibly played by Kiefer Sutherland) would solve all of Japan’s problems _and_ he would do it in a single day. Abe (the Prime Minister who just stood down) stated that one reason he was doing so was Japan’s need for a leader who could continue Japan’s problematic involvement in the war of terror. This candidate would also boost Japan’s economy as a consequence of marketing and product endorsements by our friend from Twenty-Four.

3. Minoru Torihada: The first Japanese comedian to confront taboo topics such as the right wing and the Imperial Family, Minoru Torihada is an outstanding candidate in the field of excellence. Telegenic and not afraid to tread on a few toes, Torihada has what it takes to be an effective Prime Minister. Visits to Yasukuni Shrine and jackbooted goose stepping could prove problematic especially with the Chinese.

Here is a Minoru Torihada video from dabble.com: Minoru Torihada Show (SFW if you don’t work for the Japanese mafia, or the Imperial Household).

4. Mt. Fuji: Unlikely to ruffle too many feathers Mt. Fuji is a candidate few have given much thought to up to this point. However Mt. Fuji has a place in most all Japanese people’s hearts and would stand strong as a symbol of both Japanese strength and history. Comments on political issues are expected to be few and far between, however if they do come, expect them to be calamitous.

5. Miyu Moriyama: With electoral turn-out at around 50% in most parts of Japan, someone is needed who can spice up the often dull and dreary field of politics and we believe we have found the answer with Miyu Moriyama. As one of the few nude figure skaters in the world, Moriyama has all the grace and elegance to take Japanese politics to a new level.

You can see a video of nude figure skater Miyu Moriyama in action here: Let the (Naked Ice Dancing) Healing Begin. (NSFW)

6: Doraemon: Where would Japan be with out its’ comic and anime stars? And who better to lead Japan than Doraemon, that lovable blue character with the big red mouth? With his magic pocket, Doraemon will be able to pull out a solution to any problem. And being as cute as mustard (is mustard cute?) he is sure to appeal to Japan’s army of OL’s (office ladies) – a powerful voting block in the Japanese electoral process.

So, who will it be? The cute character Doraemon? Mt. Fuji? A naked Japanese woman on ice skates? 24’s Jack Bauer? Probably none of the above. But we are always free to dream.

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Ah, just to follow up on the last post now the local politicians are driving around apologizing for disturbing the peace with their microphones. The irony of it is mindboggling. The current miscreant is one of Doura’s finest – a certain Suzuki Kazehiku (well that isn’t his real name).  His campaign slogan is probably something like “Leading Doura Backwards into the Economic Quagmire.”

I shouldn’t be so rude, but it is very tempting. We live in what was a village up to a year ago when it merged with one of the neighbouring towns – Tsuchiura (Doura if you want an alternative reading). Tsuchiura is now next to Tsukuba and comparing the two is a fine example of what positive leadership in local body politics will bring a place. Tsukuba is a well known and well respected center for research within Japan with a lively economy whilst Tsuchiura is not. An example of this is that one often finds offices named Tsukuba… even when they are in Tsuchiura. Tsuchiura has a great history, and they even have some of the best tofu I have ever eaten, but economically the area seems to be in pretty dire straights.

Not that it matters that much to me – I don’t get to vote anyway. Still looking at the candidates photoboards they have up around our village, the election looks like a lottery for dance partners at an old peoples home. May the candidate with the most hair win!

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At last a campaign I can get my head, er, I mean my ears, around. 10 local politicians have announced that they have set up a campaign to stop the noise pollution caused by Japanese politicians. In what is certainly strong evidence refuting the theory of intelligent design, Japanese politicians and their myrmidons feel it necessary to drive around from dawn to dusk blaring out their names and little else.

It has always amazed me that people would actually consider it a necessity to do such a thing in order to gain election, but I imagine that as everyone else is doing it, no politician has seriously considered refraining from the “refrains”. Also the fact that more cash “slips” into their pockets as a result, may have a little to do with the continuation of the practice.

Here is the story from Mainichi:

10 local politicians set up anti-election noise campaign

Ten local politicians, mostly those running in the second round of the unified local elections next Sunday, have set up a network opposing the blaring of candidates’ names from loudspeakers on election campaign cars.

“I’ll launch a campaign without using a car that would create noise, emit exhaust fumes and cost taxpayers money,” a 37-year-old candidate, who is running in Tokyo’s Chofu Municipal Assembly election on the ticket of the opposition Democratic Party of Japan (DPJ), said as he launched his campaign. [Read more]

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