Blizzardboy | A Kiwi in Japan

Upstairsforthinking has a thought provoking article – The Fall Guy – on the resignation of Japanese Prime Minister Abe Shinzo. The following is a tongue in cheek response from our political correspondent Argumentum ad hominem who is based in the tropical Japanese island of Hokkaido.

With the current crop of Japanese politicians as thin on talent as they are on hair under the wigs, we thought it time to put forward our suggestions for the 6 best candidates for the much maligned and soon to be vacated post of Japanese Prime Minister.

1. Asashoryu: Currently in disgrace for playing soccer whilst being under an injury cloud that kept him out of the summer tour of Tohoku and Hokkaido , Mongolian sumo wrestler Akinori Asashoryu is our first candidate. Ability to deal with ritualised body slapping, salt throwing and hefty bulk should see him in good stead to lead the country. Presently in retreat at a Mongolian resort, Asashoryu may be plotting a return completely out of left field, or should we say east of center. His sumo hairstyle could become his secret trademark which drives his popularity much in the same way that former Prime Minister Koizumi kept opponents at bay with a shake of his quiff.

2. Jack Bauer: Television series 24’s  hero Jack Bauer (ostensibly played by Kiefer Sutherland) would solve all of Japan’s problems _and_ he would do it in a single day. Abe (the Prime Minister who just stood down) stated that one reason he was doing so was Japan’s need for a leader who could continue Japan’s problematic involvement in the war of terror. This candidate would also boost Japan’s economy as a consequence of marketing and product endorsements by our friend from Twenty-Four.

3. Minoru Torihada: The first Japanese comedian to confront taboo topics such as the right wing and the Imperial Family, Minoru Torihada is an outstanding candidate in the field of excellence. Telegenic and not afraid to tread on a few toes, Torihada has what it takes to be an effective Prime Minister. Visits to Yasukuni Shrine and jackbooted goose stepping could prove problematic especially with the Chinese.

Here is a Minoru Torihada video from dabble.com: Minoru Torihada Show (SFW if you don’t work for the Japanese mafia, or the Imperial Household).

4. Mt. Fuji: Unlikely to ruffle too many feathers Mt. Fuji is a candidate few have given much thought to up to this point. However Mt. Fuji has a place in most all Japanese people’s hearts and would stand strong as a symbol of both Japanese strength and history. Comments on political issues are expected to be few and far between, however if they do come, expect them to be calamitous.

5. Miyu Moriyama: With electoral turn-out at around 50% in most parts of Japan, someone is needed who can spice up the often dull and dreary field of politics and we believe we have found the answer with Miyu Moriyama. As one of the few nude figure skaters in the world, Moriyama has all the grace and elegance to take Japanese politics to a new level.

You can see a video of nude figure skater Miyu Moriyama in action here: Let the (Naked Ice Dancing) Healing Begin. (NSFW)

6: Doraemon: Where would Japan be with out its’ comic and anime stars? And who better to lead Japan than Doraemon, that lovable blue character with the big red mouth? With his magic pocket, Doraemon will be able to pull out a solution to any problem. And being as cute as mustard (is mustard cute?) he is sure to appeal to Japan’s army of OL’s (office ladies) – a powerful voting block in the Japanese electoral process.

So, who will it be? The cute character Doraemon? Mt. Fuji? A naked Japanese woman on ice skates? 24’s Jack Bauer? Probably none of the above. But we are always free to dream.